(no subject)

[Cesque]

Know any?

These are the "flowers", or funny jokes or action courses, during RPG sessions. I once found a polish site with whole pages of that, so I decided to post a bit. Some are simply hilarious.

GM = Game Master
P = Player
P1/P2/P3 = Players

GM: You find a door.
P: Is it open?
GM: No.
P: I try to force it.
GM: You fail, it's made of heavy metal.
P: Whoa! I try my keys.
GM: It has no place for key.
P: Then I try to unlock it.
GM: (tired) You fail.
P: I examine the door.
GM: You find nothing special...
P: Nothing?
GM: Ehem, there are runes.
P: What do they mean?
GM: "Don't try GM's f*** patience"

P: I cut off werewolf's head.
GM: Werewolf throws away head and attacks with claws.

P: I dodge his attack, cast fireball, make a step backward, turn around, hide under table, observing my enemy and prepparing energy for next fireball.
GM: Um... You failed to dodge.

GM: You travel, tired and heavily wounded...
P1: What do we see before us?
GM: A pack of hobgoblins.
P1: Oh great...
P2: Maybe they can help us heal our wounds?

GM: You drop in the well and in darkness you see... that... you can't see!

GM: You open the chest and see...
P: A tower key?
GM: Hey! Why?
P: Because I already checked this chest.
GM: Ah, no! I was going to say that you see... that the chest is empty.

GM: You have a +5 sword, 2k6 damage, with +6 bonus vs ogres, but you don't know it yet and you have to identify it.

GM (as a powerful mage): And the whjole world will be drowned in darkness...
P: Screw it. I have "sight in the dark" ability.

P: I shoot them with my crossbow, and ask "Who are you?"

P1: I open the doors.
P2: No! Leave it to the professional slayers.
GM: You see a giant ancient golem, which speaks in wrath: "Who is disturbing me?"
P1: Professional slayers.

[Dude Man]

Hehehehhe Laughing  Laughing That's really funny Laughing !!!!

[Cesque]

A bit more, then  Very Happy

P: So, you mean I can't see it?
GM: Yes.
P: Then... It's invisible!

GM: You're in very strange position... You're neither staying, nor lying...
P: So we're sitting!

GM: You see a zombie.
P: Is he alive?

P: You're accused for stealing cattle and rape... WHAT? Zoophiliac!!!

P: I kill the squirell and check the corpse for any nuts.

P1: I give them all my money.
P2: Add 3 more coins.
P1: I add 3 more coins.

P: How much for the horse?
GM: 30 silver pieces.
P: Used?

GM: Wait a sec... How it's possible, that each time you make a brand new character... it already has 6 professions and knows all spells?

P (plays a soldier from Israel): What did I find?
GM: Uzi.
P: What's uzi???
GM: A commonly known semiautomatic pistol known all across the world, originating from Israel...
P: Ah, good! Then it feels like home.
GM: Now, it would feel like home if you had seen 20 arabs with kalashikovs.

P: I sneak, and from the back, put knife against his throat, saying "Don't make a single move. We have peaceful intentions."

P: How it happens, that each time you say session will be short and easy, we all die in the end?
GM: It's not my fault!
P: Well, you shouldn't kill us!
GM: It's stronger than me.

P: Are the horses ready?
GM (as stable boy): Yes, sir.
P: How much?
GM: I can't count, sir.
P: So... what's their color?
GM: Two white and one brown.

[Dude Man]

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing Is there anymore!?!?!?

[Cesque]

Yeah, just don't force me to post more and more until eternity  Very Happy

P: Are there dogs on this planet?
GM: Yes. You asked twice about that already.
P: Hmm, they could get extinct since then.

P1: I'll sell you this for 50 gold pieces.
P2: WHAT?! It's not even worth 10 gold pieces! How do you want to...
P1: Ever heard of inflation?

P1: Kill him!
P2: No! We can't simply kill him like that!
P1: Yeah... Let's throw him from the mountain!

GM: You see a dark posture.
P: Has horns?
GM: No.
P: Strange...

(man with bandages arms comes to healer, his cut-out arms in his sack hanging on his neck)
P: I beg you, restore my hands!
GM: Okay, just first tell me how you lost 'em.
P: I put one hand into some hole. Than, slash! I lost my hand.
GM: And the second one?
P: I wanted to retrieve the first one.

P1: I think...
P2: Make a roll to determine if you suceed.

P1: Where's Henry?
P2: Last time I remember he was taunting some dwarf and...
P1: Okay, where is he lying?

GM (wizard): And you, what do you need for this task?
P: A catapult... And someone to operate it...

P1 (vampire): You know how we call a human with 5 dexterity?
P2: No.
P1: Fast-food.

P: You won't kill me! Not in THIS game!

(player comes to library)
P: Excuse me, are there any books here?

(player chased by FBI)
P: Help me! I am chased by... by... Got it! NBA!

P: What's the material component for Magical Flame spell?
GM: Matches.

P: I hit this guy with dagger!
GM: Wait a second... (checks notes) No, sorry, there is no guy there.

(game starts)
GM: Okay, half of you must die. You chose who.

P (about weapon): How big holes does it leave?

(15 minutes after beginning creating player character)
P: Okay... So I already have gender...

GM: Generally, they look more armored than unarmored.

P1: Let's find Omeras.
P2: You're Omeras.
P1: Ow.

P: Finta - piruet - thrust! Parry! Riposta - slash!
GM: Darkness.

P (gets hit by spear in the forest): Boys! I disarmed that trap!

GM: You get hit in eye.
P: Lost it?
GM: Don't know, you'll see.

[Asimir]

P: I kill the squirell and check the corpse for any nuts.

Poor R043482

[Haraldur]

For R043482's masculinity to be taken so...

[Dude Man]

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing Oh so funny!!!!!!! More, more! Laughing  Laughing  Laughing