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Tosoto

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« on: January 18, 2005, 12:53:42 AM »
A short while back I took part in a contest, well, tried to. We had to wirte a chapter of an original story, so, trying to get ideas I went through some old files of mine for story outlines I had been writing down in case I wanted to make a game with one of them. I found one I liked and decided to expand on it.

"Story of a noble and her bodyguard on a diplomatic mission to another kingdom"

I wrote up a chapter, starring me as the bodyguard and a girl named Leana as the noble. Not knowing there was a word limit, I ended up writing 500 words above the limit, and it couldn't be graphicly violent so I had to tone down the violence down to the point that no one died. So yeah, that sucked.

And here is the story (feel free to criticize and comment):

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Vanden
By Daniel Martinez


?See something, Ms. Leana?? Her bodyguard called out to her. ?Just a flower? Leana moved strands of her brown hair from her eyes so she could closely examine the flower in front of her more closely, a brilliant yellow design with red dots lining the petals. These flowers were native to her and her bodyguard?s homeland, Faren. Three weeks it has been since they left on their trip to the Kingdom of Rale. They were going for the Meeting of Representatives. A Person from each of the seven kingdoms would be selected to represent their kingdom at Rale, which was a neutral kingdom. There, the representatives would discuss issues and solutions to current issues in a place of safety. Soon, they would be in Rale and she could finally relax. ?We should get to Rale by nightfall if we keep this pace, Ms. Leana.? Leana wanted to stop and perhaps pick some of these exotic flowers to bring with her. But she knew that she could pick some on the return trip.
?Thank you Tosoto.? A truly unique person Tosoto was, extremely respectful, kind, gentle, and polite. Leana wondered at times how someone like him could be a bodyguard. She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned towards Tosoto, had he tapped her on the shoulder? She felt another tap, then a third; she then realized that it was beginning to rain. ?A minor delay.? Tosoto commented on the bad weather as they took shelter under a large tree. Tosoto pulled out a cloak from his pack and offered it to Leana. ?It wouldn?t be good for you to arrive in Rale with dampened clothes, Ms. Leana? Leana accepted the cloak from her smiling bodyguard, watching the few raindrops that came through the trees branches and dampen his dark hair and trickle down his face. ?Thank you Tosoto.? They both sat against their shelter for a short while before the rain the rain started to let up and both started walking again in the light rain.
After a good half-day walk down the small path they had entered a plain. The rain had long gone and the sun was beginning to set and as they continued walking they both noticed the walls of the Kingdom of Rale on the horizon.
?How wonderful, our trip is almost complete.? Leana paused to marvel at the scene before her. Rolling green plains with hints of orange from the setting sun. She started walking again. ?Yes, Ms. Leana.? Leana turned to him and noticed an unsure expression on his face.
?Something wrong Tosoto?? Leana felt that if there was a problem, she should know. ?Someone is coming.? Leana turned to see that there was in fact, someone coming their way, a horseman with medium cut blond hair, covered in armor excluding a helmet. He stopped a short distance from them, waving with a blank stare.
Leana was about to say something when Tosoto made a hand gesture to be silent. Tosoto pulled a small colored cloth from a bag on his belt and waved it twice. The horseman did not respond, still waving. ?Just as I thought.? Tosoto reached into his bag and pulled out a small hatchet from it. He took a step back and flung his weapon at the horseman, it went right past the horse and hit the ground behind it. But it had passed right by the horse?s eyes, scaring it into taking off in the other direction, dropping its rider. He laid there for a few moments, and then stood up. This man was different, he had darker and shorter hair from the rider they saw before. He then kicked the severed head of what used to be a Rale horseman and brandished a sword. That?s when an arrow flew hit the ground next to them.
Tosoto grabbed Leana and they made a dash for the nearby trees, a second arrow flew over them as they lay against their only cover. ?There are three of them.? Tosoto said, unsheathing a saber and pulling a small wooden shield from his pack. ?Sorry for the delay Ms. Leana.? Leana looked to see the armor-clad rider coming towards them, except now there was a second man with him, lightly armored compared to his comrade. ?Who are they?? Leana was frightened, who were they? What did they want? Why us? ?Common robbers, or murderers. Either way they likely don?t know you?re a representative, or care for that matter.? Tosoto grabbed a sheathed dagger from his pack and hands it to Leana. ?Use it only if you have no choice.? Another arrow flew past them. ?I shall meet them.? He stood up and walked out from the trees.

Tosoto started walking out from the trees. What am I thinking? I?m up against three people, one of which I can?t even see. The two swordsmen by then were on both his sides. Tosoto knew that these guys weren?t amateurs; they had laid an ingenious trap that many have fallen for. They were getting closer. ?You killed a rider from Rale, that?s an offense that?s punishable by death.? Tosoto said to them as they were advancing.
?This guy talks to us like we?re a part of a kingdom, I?m going to enjoy killing this guy.? So they are murderers. Tosoto stood at the ready. Another arrow appeared. This one was faster than the others.

Tosoto cursed as he jump out of the way and is tackled by the bigger of his two opponents. He lands a few feet away from where he was standing before, and quickly stood up. The second opponent then charged him. When he was almost there Tosoto then made a dash back to the first man, caught by surprise he had no choice but to try and guard against the attack, their swords clashed, and Tosoto made a quick turn and made a swift kick into his side, making him fall.
By then the second opponent had caught up with them and had begun to attack. After the second clash of swords Tosoto heard a loud crack and his sword had split in two. ?Cheap sword!? Tosoto threw his broken saber and pulled his only secondary weapons, a hand axe and a dagger. He attacked again, managing to lock the blade between the axe and dagger. His opponent then delivered a kick to his abdomen making him fall to the ground.
He only had a few seconds to recover and rolled out of the way of the large sword that almost crushed him and stood back up. ?I don?t have time for this? Tosoto was ready for another attack. The more armored one then charged forward. His sword at his waist, preparing to stab him. He then thrust it at Tosoto. He parried it with the axe and threw him off. And tripped his attacker. He looked up and kicked him in the head, knocking him out.
The other attacker then rushed at him with his sword held high. Tosoto blocked the sword with his shield, making a huge crack in it, and countered by landing a punch into his jaw. He backed off holding his jaw in pain when Tosoto attacked again punching him in the stomach, finishing with a third punch in the temple. Tosoto looked to the nearby trees and noticed a man running in the opposite direction.

About three hours later Tosoto and Leana had reached the gates. Two hours after the sun had set. They past through the gates, watching all the people pass by while they stood there admiring the beauty of the Kingdom of Rale.
?Well, Ms. Leana, it would appear that our trip is over.? Tosoto glanced over to Leana. ?Excluding the delays, it seems that we made it here three days early.? Leana then glanced back at him. ?Appears so, thank you Tosoto?
They both walked until Leana and Tosoto was in front an inn that seemed like it housed royalty, yet it was just a common inn.
?Here is the inn we will be staying at, if you would like, you can look around while I check us in.? They entered the inn and Leana took a seat on a nearby chair as Tosoto talked to the Innkeeper. He handed him a key and Tosoto up a stairs to take a look at the room. Leana looked around the room she was in. The inside was completely made of wood, with a bearskin rug laid on the floor. It?s head on a plaque on the wall behind the front desk. She peered through a door and found a tavern inside where there were only a couple people sitting inside, sipping alcohol. She heard someone coming back down the stairs and turned to see Tosoto. ?You?re room is ready, Ms. Leana.? He led Leana back up the stairs and they stopped in front of a wooden door with a metal frame lining its edges.
?You?re room, Ms. Leana, I shall retire if you have no further needs.? He turned to leave. ?Tosoto? He turned around. ?Need something Ms. Leana?? ?Back there on the path, why didn?t you kill those two men?? ?Because Ms. Leana, I don?t kill unless I have no choice.? Tosoto left back down the stairs and Leana entered her room. Like every other room, it was made of wood, with a large white bed and a Wolf skin rug on the floor, it?s head located above the bed. There were dressers and a large mirror on top of it. It wasn?t that large a room, but it was everything she would need for awhile.
Leana noticed that there was a package on top of the bed. Leana stepped up to the bed and slowly opened the package. She opened it and inside was the hilt of a broken saber with part of the blade missing, and four flowers wrapped with string, it was the beautiful flowers that she had found earlier that day. She untied the string and held a flower close to her nose it smelt wonderful.
?Thank you, Tosoto.?

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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Tosoto »

Aminaga

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« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2005, 05:35:01 PM »
Quote from: "Tosoto"
This is the one of the worst games I have ever played


This is one of the worst stories I've ever read!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Aminaga »
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Tosoto

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« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2005, 04:44:22 AM »
Quote
Millions of years ago, before life existed on earth, the gods created 6 magic blades: The Fire Blade, The Ice Blade, The Thunder Blade, The Aqua Blade, and The Dark Blade. Now, the gods fear the power of the dark blade, and decided to banish it to earth, before there is human life there. Years later, when humans are on earth, a dark spirit sends his minions to manipulate humans into finding the dark blade.

Eventually, a 14 year old boy, Aminaga Ragtunos, tries to use the divine powers of "The Blade of Champion" to try and defeat the dark spirit and destroy his dark blade, which killed his father in a war.

Aminaga seccsessfully destroys the dark spirit, and his blade, but not without getting frozen for 500 years. When Aminaga is freed, he attends to a
warrior training academy, where he goes of on a daring quest to use
The Blade of Champion's powers to reseal away the dark blade,
and make new friends along the way, including a mysterious mercenary, a female
warrior, and a mystical wizard.


Don't give me critisism about my story if you can't write one yourself. Now how about someone mature give some constructive critisism
« Last Edit: January 25, 2005, 05:55:05 AM by Tosoto »

AlienDude

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« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2005, 10:16:54 AM »
there seems to be a clash of style between the speech and how you describe things like the setting, use a more metaphoric kind of style...i don't know how to say it...use sharper yet indirect imagery.  the characters talk in a Romantic style, but you made their mind so....not?  

suggestion: keep the plot and the cast as they are but remake your perspective.  This is from a lady's eyes you know.  use a more flowing, poetic style.

sometimes it's what isn't said...

good luck!!  Hope that helped a bit!!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by AlienDude »
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